and all the rooftops want us

this is a long time coming
(i won't get it [write])

1. i forgot all about my senses until i had a moment to just stare out the window. i realized that inside my chest felt just like that dirty pile of snow. and that it was like i ate too much ice cream with too much speed and i remembered the way that november/march precipitation that is 1/2 rain 1/2 snow and assaults your forehead is the only kind that really stills you. i've been stilled, for the first time in months. that dirty pile of snow isn't a bad thing. the weight on your chest could pin you to one place and make all the decisions for you. its almost like a hug. being squeezed is sort of the same as being loved like you're new by someone who's old. for that moment that pile of snow brought down the swelling in my heavy heart. i'll take a hug.

2. i can't remember where i wanted to start. i finished my first draft. the initial effect was much less satisfying than i anticipated. now, since i've taken some time to breathe and stare out the window for so long it makes the people in the cafe uncomfortable [the grafitti on cinema l'amour says "sake bank sake sake"], it feels good to let go of guilt. can i ever tell you of the new ways i understand privilege [you, oh and everyone else who's already heard]? i am privileged, i get the privilege of talking to these people, they privilege me with their trust and i become privileged with their memories. to think of the relation to some people sharing some common experience that isn't mine as a 'privilege' implies so much more movement and action than i was prepared to gain. to be fit to understand privilege as a verb means acknowledging the relation between mass and motion. momentum. so much of the time you lose control of the direction. i don't know if this was where i wanted to go.


all of a sudden i do my last interview and hear of more hurting than i've ever known or known anyone to know and something like the motivation that used to keep me up all night drafting letters and petitions to divest mcgill's endowment funds from tnc's with ties to sudan has me telling her (she is so solid) i'll write the grant proposal she needs from inac to have things get started. i am privileged with this information. if you read my paper you will be too. but no one is going to. so why did i spend so much time doing it. there's no way i can leave with all these stories and just keep them between my ribs. oh shit.
oh. what am i going to do with all of this. oh what what what.
sake bank sake sake.


3. my friend ryan marr took this photo. two days ago was his birthday and i'm pretty certain he was kite boarding in aruba. happy birthday, my friend. sincerely, emily-the-envious.